I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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