If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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