i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Randomize
