As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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