I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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