dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i came on her dog
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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