I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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