I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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