The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
