a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
