I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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