I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
