gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
it glows. i had to have it.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
false alarm, still single
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