I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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