This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
