well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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