I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
