HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Randomize
