i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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