my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
