I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
