You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
