I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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