Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
