I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
