Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
