Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
