your parents love me but you hate me
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
