I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
