I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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