Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
