The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
