I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
