Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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