I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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