I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
