You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
