I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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