How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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