How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
we're so committed to being not committed
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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