Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
