I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
