Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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