My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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