Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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