Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
