I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
