Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
