i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Randomize
