Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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