my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Randomize
