The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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